Where were you?

Yesterday I filled you guys in on my state of “okay”. It’s been such a long road getting here. Getting to okay. Just thinking about the valleys I crawled through is exhausting. It seems odd to celebrate mediocrity. But remembering what I went through to get here definitely calls for celebration. Even a mediocre one.

I’ve been going through a crisis of faith. I was told that if I held on to God that He would bring me through the darkness. I was told that the darkness I was stumbling through was punishment for my actions and the consequence for my bad decisions. Well, here I am, through the thick of it. I’m not walking on sunshine but I’m no longer being swallowed up by blackness. I’m here. I’m okay. I’m alone.

I feel abandoned. Forgotten. I’m trying not to be angry with You. I know You have bigger things going on. But didn’t You see me? Didn’t You hear my desperate pleas for peace? Was my begging not passionate enough? Were my bleeding wounds not elegant enough? I don’t even know how to find You anymore. I’m lost, standing on the edge of demise, waiting for that quiet breeze to push me back down where the monsters will rip and tear me apart again. Is that what You want? I have a hard time believing it’s not. Didn’t You plan it all? Plan all the pain and shame a hurt? Where are You? I’m alone and I don’t understand…

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