Glass Wall

My breath clouds my vision

On the glass on which I tap

I try to catch attention

Behind the wall by which I’m trapped

I see their joyful laughter,

Happy smiles, brilliant eyes

While I melt into my sadness,

And my heartache and these lies.

I watch the world around them spin around so peacefully.

But behind this glass a war is raging on inside of me.

Pounding will not crack this wall

So I stare at it instead

The longing and the aching hurt

Worse than the Monster in my head.

So I melt into my sadness

And my heartache and these lies

I will sit and watch their happy world

As every part of my soul dies.

Farther Along

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I’ve seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin’ that line back home

So much more to life than we’ve been told
It’s full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you’ve done
Forgiveness alright

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul
And I’ve got no place left go
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin’ on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I’m free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I’ll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Midnight Buffet

As I sit here writing, it’s 2:12am. One of the kids just woke up fussie and needed an extra blanket. After taking them back in I shuffeled toward the kitchen. I wasnt feeling quiet ready to go back to sleep yet. Nope. I needed something first. Something…..yummy.

The magical thing about a midnight snack is that it is usually something you would never get away with eating during the day. Cold pizza dipped in chocolate sauce? Cheeze Doodles and ice cream? Maybe it’s because you’re half asleep while selecting your snack from the fridge or maybe it’s because no one is around to see you eating one of your guilty pleasures. Whatever it may be, there is just a great, satisfying feeling when sitting down to yummy buffet of random pantry items in the middle of the night. Tonight, my snack of choice is Pringles, pretzel M&Ms and hazelnut truffles.  I’m an over achiever, I know. Enjoy eating, my friends!

Curried Zombies!

We all knew the zombie infection would spread like crazy, but I’m not sure we expected it to blow up as it has. From four year olds to 45 year olds, Africans to Americans, and now according to DNAINDIA India is jumping on board too. Bollywood filmmakers are rushing to see who can put out the first zombie movie. Plans for a ZomCom ( zombie comedy) are already in the works with some of India’s hottest actors. Hold on to your crowbars folks, the undead are spreading like wildfire!

Where were you?

Yesterday I filled you guys in on my state of “okay”. It’s been such a long road getting here. Getting to okay. Just thinking about the valleys I crawled through is exhausting. It seems odd to celebrate mediocrity. But remembering what I went through to get here definitely calls for celebration. Even a mediocre one.

I’ve been going through a crisis of faith. I was told that if I held on to God that He would bring me through the darkness. I was told that the darkness I was stumbling through was punishment for my actions and the consequence for my bad decisions. Well, here I am, through the thick of it. I’m not walking on sunshine but I’m no longer being swallowed up by blackness. I’m here. I’m okay. I’m alone.

I feel abandoned. Forgotten. I’m trying not to be angry with You. I know You have bigger things going on. But didn’t You see me? Didn’t You hear my desperate pleas for peace? Was my begging not passionate enough? Were my bleeding wounds not elegant enough? I don’t even know how to find You anymore. I’m lost, standing on the edge of demise, waiting for that quiet breeze to push me back down where the monsters will rip and tear me apart again. Is that what You want? I have a hard time believing it’s not. Didn’t You plan it all? Plan all the pain and shame a hurt? Where are You? I’m alone and I don’t understand…

The Chocolate Diaries : A Book Review

Apprehension swelled inside of me upon receiving this book and realizing it was set up almost like a self-help book. It got thrown onto the counter where it sat for several days until I willed myself to pick it up and give it a shot. Karen Linamen hooks you in on the very first page telling humorous stories about life, love and her ever present need for chocolate. She slips encouragement into the heart warming stories she tells from her own experiences and those of friends. Inside are also yummy recipes sent in from readers along with “Food for Thought” sections. I was sweetly surprised at how much I enjoyed this book and I will be giving it out as gifts to all my girlfriends.

Sunny Mondays

Good morning WordPress, It’s been awhile. There is a cleansing, freeing feeling when you sit down to a blank document, cup of coffee and keyboard in front of you. It’s empowering. It’s also overwhelming. The overwhelming feeling, for me, comes from my extremely high expectations of myself. You see, words are such wonderful things. So beautifully powerful and almost always taken for granted. But think about it. Think about the emotions words cause. A letter from a dear friend can leave our hearts swelling with joy. A few soft words from a lover can cover you in goose bumps and leave you short of breath. At the same time, a strong tone and a word used hatefully can cause our heads to spin in ferocious rage. Do you see how that might be overwhelming? I’d like to think my writing can do these words some sort of justice since, I believe, my dear friends, that words are entirely underrated and abused. And it’s a shame…

But words were not what I wanted to write about today. I woke up feeling miserable. Really crummy. I’ve had a sinus infection and it’s kicking my butt. Is there anything worse than that sinus pain and pressure in your head? Probably. Yes. But right now I’d like to think there isn’t and I invite you to join in my pity party.

Rabbit trails, rabbits trails, oh the places they take us! Okay. Focus, Stephanie.

Today, on Monday June 27^th, 2011, I want to write to tell you I am okay. I have been okay for a few months now. A year ago, the depth of depression I was drowning in was dead set in being the end of me. I thought it would be. I think other people did too. Remarkably, I made it through. We made it through. Yes, that’s more appropriate. My beacon of hope and the only relief I felt was found in Dan’s arms. He is so gracious with me. I’ll never deserve him, and I hope he doesn’t figure that out.

So anyway, I am doing okay. My good days outweigh the bad. The bad days don’t crush and suffocate me. I think that’s improvement. Maybe my bright disposition has something to do with the sun shining after several days of rain, but I don’t care because today I feel good. I feel as though I have a purpose and a driving force that is propelling me forward. That is a satisfying feeling. And on my good days, I like to bake. Actually, on my bad days I also like to bake. There are few things more comforting than losing oneself in a pan of warm brownies. Chocolate can heal even the most broken of spirits. Seriously. Google it! No don’t, just trust me.

So today, my plan is to get loaded on Benadryl and attack my kitchen. After all, that’s where all the magic really happens! Monday’s Menu? Smokey Mac and Cheese and Sweet Cinnamon Biscuits. Is there anything more satisfying to the soul? Maybe if I deep fried the mac and dipped the biscuits in chocolate…now that’s an idea!

I hope you all find a pleasing, productive way to make it through your Monday. I recommend throwing in some Kesha or Ace of Base to help get your day bumpin’. And if that doesn’t do it for you, get yourself to the vending machine and buy yourself a Snickers. Chocolate and caramel will surely do the trick <3

Oh, Happy Day

Good morning cyber world. Today is going to be a good day. After a week of drowning, of being suffocated by fear, I woke up happy. It always comes as a surprise to me, when I wake up with a desire to be awake. I guess I’m on the incline. It happens. These exhausting cycles of normal and …..really not normal. But I am happy today and I will take advantage of it. My babies are feeling better and running around laughing. It makes my heart swell to see their smiles. It breaks my heart knowing there are days when their smiles go unnoticed while I sit and feel the life being sucked out of me. But we won’t talk about bad things today. Today is good. And am happy. I am going to enjoy my beautiful family today, enjoy the gorgeous weather outside and maybe do some reading. I love to read. So I want to encourage anyone out there who may be suffering….it may have been a long time since you last good day….maybe you don’t even remember it right now….but it will come. And when it does, you will be so thankful you fought for it. So keep fighting. You are loved and you are precious by a God who not only knows what you are going through, but feels it too…

Man, I needed to hear that.

why?

why does my heart have such a big hole? why does breathing have to hurt so bad? when will this aching cease? the pain wouldn’t be so bad it had a source…if i understood….if the end was in sight.

Lifeline

this pain inside is killing me
it’s crushing all my bones
i try to find a place to hide
where i can sit alone

you grab my hand and hold it near
you wrap me in your arms
shielding me from strangers
and protecting me from harm

I see the saddness in your eyes
your confusion grows and grows
but you understand the hurt i feel
is more than annybody knows

so you fight off all the monsters
that are dwelling in my head
and you and say “i love you”
when my eyes look almost dead

“you can do this!”, “i can help you”
is what you whisper in my ear
and when i lay there in your arms at night
the voices disappear

You’re my lifeline in this deadly storm
and I will cling to you for life
You are my joy, my love, my husband
I’m so blessed to be your wife.