shes chained to a bed by a broken heart
they ask her where it hurts,
she doesn’t know where to start
they pump her full of poison
it’s suppose to keep her sane
injections, pills and potions
with lines straight to her brain
the drugs work quick and swiftly
and the fog comes rolling in
confusing her with darkness
letting demons in
demons she’s been fighting
since she was just a girl
when she was chasing shadows
of nothings in this world
she suffocates on sadness
it’s bleeding from her eyes
as shes chained to a bed in peices
crumbling
she gives in to the lies

Modern Family.

May 4, 2012

Tonight I am having my family over for dinner. My father-in-law and his girlfriend, my brother (in-law) George and my sister (in-law) Marie, my sister (in-law) Amber will all be coming over for pizza and beer to celebrate Amber’s birthday. Amber and Dan are brother and sister. After their parent’s divorce, my father in law married George’s mom. George is Dan’s step-brother. When my father in law and George’s mom got divorced, you would think Dan and George’s relationship would have dissolved, but they are closer now than they ever have been, and I consider George my brother now too. We are an example of today’s “Modern Family”. I am proud of that, and I love each and every one of them!

Grace abuser.

May 2, 2012

So many people are angered and offended by the way I write, my beliefs about the Church. They lash out in anger and spew hate over my words. When they can’t defend their beliefs, they all cling to the same statement, ” If I am wrong, I will be held accountable by God”.

That is a true statement, but their apathy and ignorance in their usage of these words is seriously disturbing.

“If I am wrong, I will be held accountbale….”

AKA….I don’t care to change. I don’t care if I am wrong. I don’t care about my sin. I have been covered by grace, so let God be my judge.

What a slap in the face to Christ. The man who died to cover that sin. To pay for it. I cannot think of a greater insult than the excuse of ” I am a sinner. I will be held accountable”.

We should always be changing. Always be growing. Christianity has caused more pain, bruised so many with their arrogance and their unwillingness to change. They abuse the grace they have been given.

I am a sinner. I will be held accountable. I pray I never use it as an excuse.

Chicken is a common ingredient in our household. We eat it about twice a week, and coming up with new recipes can be challenging. But amping up old ones can be exciting and oh so delicious. This is my “amped up” version of Chicken and Stuffing casserole.

I had two pounds of chicken I needed to use up. I always hesitate to prepare this dish because it is not one of Dan’s favorites, but the kids and I love it. I knew I didn’t want to use the old overused recipe, plus I had a lot of ingredients in the fridge that I just wanted to get rid of. So here is what I came up with…

Start by cutting up your chicken into big chunks. They should all be uniform in size to guarantee even cooking.
Next I added some frozen peas because I just wanted them out of my freezer. You could also use broccoli or carrots. Get creative!

These are the ingredients I usually use. Most recipes only call for one can of COC ( cream of chicken), but I like to use two because I prefer a lot of sauce. I left out the COM ( cream of mushroom) because Dan hates it :) While rumaging through the fridge, I found half a jar of chicken gravy, so I threw that in too, along with a cup of mayo which have the sauce a nice tang. The mayo could be left out to cut back on calories. But let’s be honest, me cut back on calories?! The girl who lives for butter? What a laugh…:)

Chicken, peas, sauce ready to be mixed…

The chicken and sauce are ready, now on to the stuffing. If you are a Julia Child in the kitchen than feel free to make your own stuffing, I opted for Stove Top because I had it in the pantry, but not without adding my own touches.

I love garlic. It is on my top five favorite ingredient list. I put it in almost everything. I added the oil from the jar of minced garlic, plus a little of the minced garlic. I also used chicken stock in place of water and crushed up some Ritz crackers and added them to the finished stuffing. This was my first time using the crackers, and I thought it added a nice crunchy texture to the stuffing once it was baked.

Casserole is ready to baked at 375 for 40-50 minutes. At 40 minutes I take it out to check the chicken to see if it needs some more time.

This time I served rice on the side. I also like using mashed potatoes, because mashed potatoes come from heaven and make the world a much happier place.

This is the finished product. The chicken was moist and tender, the sauce was rich and creamy and the stuffing was crispy and delicious. I was glad that I was able to use the ingredients I had in my pantry, freezer and fridge, and even more pleased to make this tired recipe new and entirely my own. Get in the kitchen. Get creative. It is fun and cheaper than therapy, and trust me, I would know! :) Happy cooking!

Male readers…beware.

April 11, 2012

Man. Woman. As humans, we are incredibly similar. We eat, breath, sleep, etc. As genders, our differences are vast and incontrovertible. Women, being the fairer of the species, tend to be gentler, kinder, more patient and smell more pleasantly than her rougher, tougher, emotionally dense counterpart, the male. As a woman, I can acknowledge our physical, emotional and even mental sensitivity may be trying at times. We require a great deal of care and attention. When neglected, a shit storm will undoubtedly be destined for her partner. Men, who tend to be much less sensitive emotionally, have other needs that can be just as, if not more taxing. Food must be made for and brought to him. His clothing must be washed and put in an easy to find location. Towels must be hunted down and sanitized because Lord knows a man will reuse his bath towel, unwashed, until the wretched rag shreds to pieces. Our differences are insurmountable, and yet, somehow, we find a way to co-exist and even love each other. Most of the time.

I write all of this because of something that happened this morning while I was showering. Now, I feel that I must say something for my loving husband because he really is very sympathetic to the needs/wants of his wife. For instance, I have never, not once, found the toilet seat left up. I cannot begin to imagine the will power and self discipline this must require of him. That being said, back to the shower…

While showering this morning, I went to grab Dan’s shaving cream so I could shave my legs, as it is a very important element of being a feminine female, when I discovered the can was empty. This seemed strange to me since yesterday the can was full. I have a hunch that Dan realized I was using his shaving cream. Maybe this irritated him, maybe it made him angry. Holding the empty can in my hand I thought two things “malicious intent” and “asshole”. Do I believe that upon Dan’s realization of me using his shaving cream, he decided to use whatever was left in the can to leave me with nothing? Yes. Do I believe he thought this would be funny? Absolutely. Tossing the empty can aside, I was forced to use my body wash to shave my legs. My exfoliating body wash. Yes, the kind the with dirt in it, the kind that claims to give you a radiant glow after scraping your body of any skin, like sand paper on wood. What did I learn? Razors do not work well when put up against dirt covered legs. My legs suffered numerous nicks and cuts. There was much blood shed, and that blood is on your hands, sir! Needless to say, the next time my dear husband requests shaving cream, I will make sure to purchase the grandest, most luxurious, purple colored, lavender scented, hormone balancing shaving cream available for him. I will also be sure to pick up a can of my own.

Macaroni Awesomeness

April 10, 2012

I have several recipes that I get a lot of requests for. My macaroni salad happens to be one of them. It’s unfortunate because I really HATE making it. It’s terribly time consuming and I don’t even like macaroni salad! But my family enjoys it, so I make it for them, because I am a self-sacrificing, good Christian girl.

Well, I decided I would share my recipe. I tried doing a photo documentation but my hands kept getting sticky so yeah, that didn’t work out well. You will notice some missing pictures. So, now that I am doing the world this tremendous favor and sharing the secrets to my salad, I expect someone to bring me something yummy. Made with chocolate. And peanut butter. I will be waiting.

Here we go. Everyone has a certain combination of vegetables they like to see in their pasta salads. I have come to the conclusion that the only role these ingredients play is in texture. They all taste relatively the same, it’s their crunch that makes them important. My veggies of choice? Cucumbers, celery and red peppers. Red peppers because they are pretty.

Now for some protein. I added hard boiled eggs, sharp cheddar and of course, bacon. I forgot to take pictures of the bacon and cheese. I am deeply grieved over these mistakes.

Some people prefer to only add mayo to their salad. I like to kick it up a notch. I have developed a dressing that has a nice tang and a touch of heat. Here is my recipe

1/2c sour cream

1c mayo

1 tbsp yellow mustard ( I also like to use brown or maple mustard)

1tsp vinegar

1/2 tsp salt

paprika

black pepper

cayenne

I double the dressing recipe. Once the salad has set overnight in the fridge, the pasta absorbs most of the dressing and becomes dry. I like to have extra to mix in before serving.

I also forgot to the a photo of the finished product, but I think your imagination can lead you in the right direction. This salad is perfect for cook outs or pot lucks. Use this recipe as a guideline but remember, it doesn’t matter what you are creating in the kitchen, have fun and make it your own!

Awaken, Oh Sleeper

April 6, 2012

Sick and infected so deep in your bones

Your apathy has ensnared you and it grows and it grows.

Haunting happiness, dead plastered smiles

Chained to your creators, wreaking of bile.

They lead you like zombies, feed you happy sweet lies

As the living are screaming, you swarm us like flies.

Because we preach about freedom, wish to see you unchained

But you prefer to be dead, so here you remain.

You demand your traditions, they’re your choice of drug

So you sink ever slowly into the graves you have dug.

Now awaken oh sleeper, and you’ll be set free

Your chains will be loosed, you’ll be able to see.

Then we’ll burn down their churches, they’re nothing more than a cage

Fore the zombies and creators will soon face His rage.

Ignore the screams.

April 6, 2012

I have a problem, so I am ignored.

I am different, so I am ignored.

I make you uncomfortable, so I am ignored.

I am in pain, so I am ignored.

I am tortured, so I am ignored.

They don’t understand me, so I am ignored.

My hurt must be sin, so I am ignored.

I’ve made it up in my head, so I am ignored.

The monsters aren’t real, so I am ignored.

I am dying inside-because my pain is ignored.

OCD and Me.

April 5, 2012

OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. This, along with depression, is something I suffer with. OCD and I are joined at the hip (or brain, if you will) and do everything together. My whole world is constructed around this illness. So many people do not understand this. I didn’t, at all, until I was diagnosed. People have the impression that OCD is something that neat freaks claim to have because they walk around with hand sanitizer and pocket sized Lysol. And I guess for some, their obsessions manifests in this way.Here is a definition…
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).
So someone with an obsessive fear of illness may feel the need to wash or sanitze their hands compulsivly.

My case is different.

I suffer with obsessive thoughts. Thoughts I don’t want to have and cannot control. Every fear, bad experience and even scary images I have seen on tv or in movies are bundled up into this little package in my brain. When I have an episode, all of these thoughts and images get put on repeat in my brain. Like when a record skips, and just plays the same part of a song over and over again. Most of my fears are completely irrational, and there is a part of my brain that can recognize that. This means that during an episode, my mind is literally fighting with itself. The fears try to convince the sane part of my brain that they are real, the sane part of my brain trys to reign in the fears and restore reason. On a good day, I am able to box up the fears and keep them at bay. On a bad day, the fears run rampent through my head, sending me into a tail spin of paralyzing anxiety and depression. My “compulsion” to these obsessive bad thoughts, is to shut down. Lock myself in my room and hide under the covers until the exhaustion of this mental battle puts me to sleep. This compulsion is what I call a “good day complusion”. I have episodes where these fears dominate my mind. I am unable to rationalize them, and end up questioning everything I know to be real and true. My chest gets light and breathing becomes difficult. Panic attack. During these panic attacks I have a different compulsion. Pain. If I cause myself physical pain, it distracts my mind from the mental pain. Clawing at my arms, neck and head, I try to inflict enough pain to clear my head. This is destructive behavior, but it is logical, it makes sense. If you are in pain you are often distracted from your other worries and concerns. The combination of medicine and therapy has helped me understand and move past this compulsion. I have found that writing is helpful to me. It is a way for me verbalize my pain and fear. It’s a way for me to understand it, and for others to understand.

I write because I want others who may be suffering in similar ways to know that they are not alone. I have been told that my writings are hurtful and disturbing. I believe that people who feel this way would rather be ignorant of my pain( or anyone else’s) because it makes them uncomfortable. If this is the case for you, then I would advise you not to read my blog, as I will continue to write about the pain and hurt that I and many others suffer with on a daily basis. I have received an overwhelming amount of support and encouragement from other people who suffer with similar problems. They find my posts encouraging and helpful. Encouraging because I have been bold enough to write about my pain and share it. They know they are not alone. They know they are not guilty and have nothing to be ashamed of. Their anxiety, stress, depression or whatever is not self inflicted or the result of sin. There is hope. We can encourage each other and help our friends and family understand what we live through. We do not need to suffer in silence. And I will not stop writing until we and our pain is acknowledged.

See me.

April 3, 2012

see me. don’t you see me?

as I’m lying here in pain

hear me. don’t you hear me?

or are my screams drowned out by rain

feel me. can’t you feel me?

though my minds so far away
i lay curled up at your feet
but you have nothing left to say

love me. don’t you love me?

or is the damage just too much?
the wounds too deep? torment too real?
to come near enough to touch?

leave me. please just leave me.

in the darkness where i lie
sorry. you’ll be sorry
when this kills me, when i die.

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